Covet or commiserate

NAIROBI, Kenya, Aug. 13 -- Marriage looks like a foreboding secret society to those of us on the outside looking in. One moment you’re all happy-go-lucky young ladies then the next everywhere you turn people are having babies, napping husbands and somehow you never got the memo. Every family function becomes a dreaded affair because all questions lead up to the usual, ‘so when are we meeting him?’ To which you wish you could retort, ‘when you find him tell him I’m looking for him too.’

Suddenly, you’re excluded from certain conversations because you are not equipped with the right knowledge or you just wouldn’t understand even though just a few months back all of you could kick it like equals. Like a ping-pong match you can’t make up your mind whether to covet or commiserate torn between all the ill-talking about that big step and the snooty ‘look-down-upon-yee-lesser-mortal’ attitude you get from those on the other side of the fence. Some want to turn back the hands of time and come back to your side coz they think singles are free birds flying around happily with no care in the world. From where you’re standing don’t mistake the crazed full of purpose look for sheer joy, may be those long hours spent grinding with a pay-off in mind have now turned into more. Make me choose between going to a lap-top in an empty house and working overtime I’ll stick to the office, no contest.

That is, until that time of the month when nature has its way with you; swooping you into a rollercoaster of emotion that reduces you to pieces. Thoughts of a level-headed, confident superwoman out to conquer the big world are thrown out the window and all you’re preoccupied with are thoughts of procreation. You coo at all babies you see and look at men sizing them up like they’ve been paraded in a market on your search for the right steed. At this time all your achievements pale in comparison to that one big failure, trust me to a hormonally deranged woman no matter how intelligent and beautiful with a swarm of suitors being single at that time of the month is the biggest flop in the world. That’s when your relationship with your phone gets a tad bit weird. Your mundane interest on a potential lover suddenly becomes over-zealous to a point he retreats in the shadows not getting why just last week he was doing all the chasing now tables have turned. All this ‘excitement’ happens while you’re ovulating then the mother of all mothers happens!

Did you know that women resent their lovers when they menstruate? It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain that instinctively makes a woman want to go out and look for a new mate because in the eyes of biology, the current one has failed the procreation mission. Explains the PMS bitchy behavior women have during this time. If you’re totally single while going through this that’s when you start reminiscing about your past loves, going over everything in your head attempting to rewrite history. Woe unto you looking at the past through the PMS glass, the fights compared to the unknown don’t seem so bad after all. You take out your check-list and start crossing out stuff saying, ‘maybe he doesn’t have to be prince charming or own his own empire, maybe real (not assumed) potential should count most. Funny how you’re totally clueless on how to tell the real potential of a man from the assumed what with everyone saying they are ‘hustling’ and just one deal away from that big break.

You curse your maturity and wistfully remember the days when a fun, handsome man was all it took to cream your pants. Now you’re full of thoughts like, ‘are we connected, are we on the same wave length, what’s his family background, what’s he like with kids, is he honest and trusting, is he spiritual, mental capacity? Blah blah blah!’ Damn women and their need to determine their off-springs DNA, plus compatibility is vital because it just makes it easier to bring kids into a chaotic world with less confusion at home, a safe haven so to speak!

Whirl-wind romance novels and movies lied, not every aspect about love is hormonal; most of it is all about making informed choices that have nothing to do with a roll in the hay. In the words of one Theology priest in Strathmore, ‘Will you be having sex 24-7? Love is a decision based on companionship!’ You only have to experience a few disastrous dates where you want to claw your eye out coz of sheer boredom for not being on the same wave length with someone to know he’s onto something. If I can’t suffer through a couple of hours with you I’ll trade your hunky self for an interesting toad any given day!

It’s a jungle out there and the terrain is no level playing field. Career women have been branded all sorts of scarlet names ranging from home-wreckers to cold ice-queens, ever stopped to think of it from their point of view? She’s not the home-wrecker if the man is drawn to her like a moth to a flame, unless for immoral reasons she welcomes the attention then the blame should fall squarely on him.

Just because she has a life of her own thus has no time to spend every waking hour singing praises about you that would put a church choir to shame doesn’t make her an ice-queen. Has it occurred to you that her struggles could be for the family she someday hopes to have? If that’s not the mark of a loving woman then I don’t know what is. A lioness hunting for her pride doesn’t take away the lion’s crown as the King of the jungle. A career woman may have aspirations to walk as equals with men in the outside world but she still needs her own King at home.

Next time you feel like envying the singles or talking smack about the shortcomings of your partner, think twice, what you have beats not having someone to share your trials and accolades with hands down!